her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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