Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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