____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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