If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize