i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
