nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
