he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
