God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
