When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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