my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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