I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
