12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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