I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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