Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
