maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You've changed since you got that strap on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
