You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize