I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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