I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
