somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
