mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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