I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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