so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have fence marks all over my body
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize