Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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