She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
