I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i think i have two assholes
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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