last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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