I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
