So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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