Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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