Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
