Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
