If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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