I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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