i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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