I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
