Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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