Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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