It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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