are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
