This girl is more easily done than said...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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