3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
