My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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