my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
