Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize