I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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