Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
