At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
