All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
