Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm passing your future prison.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
