I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
