I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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