The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
