the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
