i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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