I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
