wrigley field is MILF paradise
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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