I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
